Saturday, December 31, 2005

RESOLUTIONS

Happy New Year to myself! I have to congratulate myself for making it through this year, it was a rough one.

I'm very much looking forward to a NEW YEAR. Gawd, am I thrilled to bury this last year in the past.

It would be nice if there were a few more days between Christmas and New Years to think about resolutions. I've been so busy jumping from one situation to another, one plane to another that I haven't really had time to sit and reflect on this past year and what I want for myself in this new year.

A few resolutions are obvious but it's not the obvious I'm looking for. It's easy to say "yeah I'd like to change this, quit this or start doing this, this year" but just saying it or wishing isn't a realistic way to achieve it. Having time to ponder my plan. How am I actively going to achieve these changes I want? That's what I need to think about.

I have three changes in mind but I really need to think about those changes first so I am steadfast in my decision. I need definite resolve with these issues because if I go through another year doing these things I'm going to be quite disappointed in myself. I'm going to resolve to be healthier physically, mentally and be more ambitious in areas of my life. Nothing really out of the ordinary of anyone else.
But, I want to be mindful of these things, not just tip my champagne glass and say yeah I'm going to blah blah blah and by morning I'm back to my usual routine.

It's interesting because you see tons of celebrities breaking up over the holidays and I read something that explained why. Because, it's during the holidays and new years that people start thinking about where their life is headed, where it's been, they start wondering if they are truly satisfied and want to be in this spot for the remainder of their days. So the break ups begin. I want to break up with certain parts of myself!! LOL Thus, my resolutions.

This whole year did have quite a bit of good also. I need to acknowledge that. A lot of personal growth and maturity transpired. I don't think you can go through something tragic in your life and not grow in a positive way from it. It has a certain realization with it of how precious life is. How precious the moments with your loved ones are. Appreciation for the small things in life. It sorta makes you stop in your tracks and reflect on so many aspects in your life. So there's been a lot of growth lately in my world. I'm also really learning how to be a calmer person. That's been brewing for the last 3-4 years but it's really taking a jump this year and I expect that to really leap in the next 6 months. An endeavor I'm quite excited about. I have a blog pending about what that is but I'll post that later. It relates to learning mindfulness in the presence.

M is having a party tonight here at the house, somehow our house got decked out with New Year's Eve decos in a matter of days. Not quite the same as our usual crazy Halloween bashes. I limited her to 10 guests. 6 are sleeping over. A small yet elaborate celebration.

I'm happy to do this for M. She's never had a New Years Party and she didn't get to have the annual Halloween party this year. She was quite ticked about that! This year has been difficult for her also. So here I am entertaining a bunch of teenagers on New Years Eve.

Happy celebrations to all.
Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 5:05 PM :: 0 comments

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Friday, December 30, 2005

I can never promise the viewers of this blog organization. I just don't have the energy to try and put my mind on paper and then edit. I'm more concerned about what I'm writing about and finding what I'm looking for in myself.

I suppose it just depends on the reason why I happen to writing at that particular moment. Which will affect the way I write. Sometimes it's simply to report various events that are going on in my life. Other times something may be really bothering me and I vent. Which will include temporary feelings of that particular moment but not necessarily relate to my belief system. Or that particular trouble comes out in text as a reflection of something else in my life. That's usually when I'm trying to grasp growth from something I've experienced. A lot of times just a song will bring my mind on a journey and my emotions will surface. Those thoughts will float all over the place. At times I even add little personal message to various people which I'm sure makes no sense to anyone else. That is sorta fun actually. LOL But, basically I write to visually see what I'm thinking about moreso than telling a story.

My last blog entry was based off a song that made me think about things in my life and things in the lives of people I care about. When I touched that thought as close as I can it lead me to think about other things. The Audioslave song really brought me on a journey of self reflection of things I've learned and things I'm currently learning. I spent much time between paragraphs thinking, re listening to my song of choice at the moment and reflecting.

I suppose after I randomly wrote my thoughts down I could have gone back and organized it but why? For me it served it's purpose already.

So a bit of reporting here. My trip to Houston...

Being in a hotel over Christmas seemed so cold to me. To fix that M and I bought a bunch of Christmas lights, festive garland, a little tree, a huge bow for our hotel door. By the time we were done I'm sure housekeeping was surprised they were still in the hotel when they entered our room. We got a free room upgrade for a suite so one entire side of the room was floor to ceiling windows. We had lights hanging over that which reflected in the window and looked really cool. When B came in the room Christmas Eve his "WOW" made it all worth it.

One thing that made our trip humorous was someone left a thingie-ma-jiggie under the passenger seat of our rental car that would yell obscenities to us whenever we went over a bump or changed lanes on the highway. It took us three days to figure out where the "f-u, eat sh*t, you're an a-hole" comments were coming from.

M swears we need to be one of those reality families on T.V. because she thinks our family is goofy enough and have enough humorous things transpire that it would be hilarious. LOL We always seem to have bizarre or funny stories going on around here. This whole car swearing thing would have been a riot to have our reactions and commentary recorded. At one point I almost pulled over on the highway because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the road because tears were fogging up my vision. That situation alone made the trip memorable.

B was so grateful for us going there for him. I think he was surprised at the effort we made to make Christmas special there. Why it surprised him I don't know because I usually do those sorts of things. Christmas Day he was moody which put a kink in our events but we cleared the situation up and had a great following day together.

We found an awesome designer store called Duo at the Galleria Mall. B got some awesome clothes there. Very rocker style. Luckily we got all his last minute Christmas shopping done there. He's definitely styling now.

There is a new kid there and his Dad produced Billy Joel so B is all revved about having someone there he can talk to and buddy up with.

Meghan and I had a great time together. I'm really glad she came with me. We have had quite the opportunity to bond in the last few months and this trip only strengthened that. She came on the trip with a load of holiday cash and had quite a shopping trip herself. She's out of her mind about owning a pair of designer jeans from Duo also. As for myself, I was quite proud, I didn't buy myself anything. I did see a zillion things I would have liked to own though.

A few thing during our trip that struck me as odd. B seemed to feel guilty over every little thing. For example were at a store and I told him to pick out some cds for himself. He reluctantly gives me one cd and appears uncomfortable. I ask him what's wrong and he says, "I feel bad because you are spending money on the cd" M and I look at each other like, is he for real? I say B it's Christmas I think I can handle a $13.00 purchase. He just couldn't get over it. Then on Christmas Eve he was exceptionally nice to Meghan which really was uncomfortable for me because I'm not use to it... LOL... I ask what's up and he says, "I just feel bad that you guys had to come here for Christmas and I took Christmas away." He still seems to carry way too many worries and guilt.

He also had no confidence in himself for making even the simplest decisions it seems. While driving he would suggest certain ways to drive or places to go and he says, "I feel like I'm making bad decisions" Crazy part was he was correct everytime he suggested something. That bothered me because if anything he should be gaining confidence in himself not losing it. Maybe it's just that he is exceptionally aware of how every decision he makes has an effect and he's thinking about it too much.

For this child's entire life I always known why he liked or disliked certain things. Why things make him laugh or feel sad. I don't think I've ever known someone better in my entire life than the way I know B. To practically know the persons thoughts before he says them is an incredible bond. So now all the sudden he's learning new things that I'm unaware of and he's reacting differently and I'm looking at him like, "who are you". It's just weird for me. Just part of that letting go bit that parents eventually need to face.

There was a moment in our relationship together that I'll never forget because for me it marked the ending of a part of our relationship together. When he was around 14 he got sick and I knew he was really miserable because he was laying on the couch and said, "Mom, I feel really sick will you snuggle by me?" I couldn't believe I heard him say this, this kid would barely let me hug for the last few years. He was too cool and independent for motherly affection. I held him, rubbed his forehead as I often did when he was little and sick. I felt like I had one more tender moment with my little boy. While snuggling with him I really stayed in moment with him because I knew this was probably the last time he'd ever let me baby him again. Our continually changing relationship just reminds me how life is always changing and to hold onto those wonderful moments with the people you love while those moments in time exist.

I just got news that B will come home for a visit January 7th to the 11th. Discharge date is scheduled for January 19th. This trip should be hard for him because Jimi will be here. Lots of activity he isn't used to, a lot of music making crammed into 4 days. They are trying to get a demo cd out soon and I have a feeling they are going to try and get as much done as possible in 4 days. It will be difficult trying to keep things going slow yet understanding his desire to get in as much time with Jimi as possible.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 10:30 PM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, December 22, 2005

"It Doesn't Remind Me Of Anything" Audioslave

I love this song.

It has meaning for me.

What I hear the message to be is this...If I have to think of the things I've lost please bring me to being filled with nothing because the pain is to great. If I don't feel in the first place, it can't hurt me. "I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget."

When B first left 4 months ago I was on a mission to keep him tied with new music to listen to, new material. When I heard "It Doesn't Remind Me Of Anything" I had to send him the CD with a star next to this song.

At the time I was just realizing the extent of how much pain he was in from the world and people around him. I have my moments where I can relate to that feeling. I live for positive perspective but there certainly are times when I look around and I am amazed at all the chaos that moves around us. Amazed at how easy it is for people to disregard other people to get what they selfishly seek...Ignoring the pain they cause and are only able see the light they viperously are running towards at the end of the tunnel. Unaware of all the damaged hearts and pained memories laying behind them in the people they crushed. Do they realize that sometimes these people will never be the same again because of their actions? I wonder if they just don't get it or if they just don't care. Which makes me think of something someone taught me.

A man I once knew told me he didn't think I could handle getting into a relationship with him. The responsibility was too great for me. I had no clue as to what he was talking about and when I asked him to elaborate he said, "People don't realize what a great responsibility it is to be given someone else's heart. How do I know you will take care of it the way it needs to be if I give it to you?" I was dumbfounded. I never really thought of it with this degree of clarity. He obviously was scared that if he gave me his heart he knew he would give all of it and feared I wouldn't protect it and cherish it as a gift. He taught me something incredible about love during that conversation. I know what he means now, I really know. And, part of my reason why I haven't been willing at this time to "go find" someone I can share my life with.

Now that's an example with love, but the topic of my blog includes love only as a segment, the overall topic is generally how people can treat each other, the degree of which we are willing to feel and the degree of feelings we have no control over. Whether it be in love or a stranger who rips you off and everything in the middle.

B understands this. He thinks he is different because he cares so much, I think he thinks people don't understand, he sees so much through his eyes and heart and he expects the same respect and care back. Different yes, but in a good way, in the right way. If you have this understanding for life, people and the way we should function together you realize everything counts. Everything matters. Everything means something. No matter how small it may appear. And when you see things to this degree , feel things and live life like this it can hurt. Deeply. Disappointment can be abundant.

They say ( those experts talking again) someone who is right minded and creative thinks differently, seeing the world differently and I think this is what the big difference is between some and others. You live the agony and the ecstasy. You can't have one without the other. It's a double edge sword. Michelangelo knows all about it. He is one of the best artists ever because he studied and perfected the art of detail. He understood his art would look different on a deeper level if he added the details. The nerves, muscles, tendons, veins in his art is what set him apart from his predecessors, the detail. I think relationships work very well in the same way. These types of people pay close attention to small details because they know the details matter just as much. They see how things should be and could be and it disturbs them to the very fiber of their being if it's not right.

There was a great article on "understanding the gifted artist" and my words can't explain it better so I'll just throw the part I'm talking about in here.....

Qualities of these people...

EMOTIONAL INTENSITY: Whether it's fear, anger, sorrow, jealously, satisfaction, love, hope or joy, creatively and artistically gifted people tend to experience it deeply, passionately, and intensely. A good general guideline is to take however a "normal" person would react emotionally to an event, and multiply it by three.

HYPERSENSITIVITY TO THE ENVIRONMENT: Many have highly developed senses of smell, taste, and touch, as well as vision and hearing. They can derive intense pleasure from such simple tactile acts as stroking a kitten. They may also be offended by odors, sounds, color combinations and intensities, shapes and forms no one else notices. Designers and painters are often extremely uncomfortable if forced to spend time in a room with clashing colors or unbalanced furniture. For musicians and singers, having perfect pitch can be as much a curse as a blessing, especially if accompanied by a slightly-out-of-tune piano. When J.S. Bach's wife was angry with him, she would pound a dissonant chord on the piano, knowing it would drive her husband crazy!

(As anything you can have some of these qualities, some not and to various degrees.)


Back to the song the started this writing tangent. When I heard this song I personally was feeling quite a bit of chaos and pain and the confusion of life swirling around me. This song hit a cord with me. I loved how I could say, "Yeah! I feel that way too." "Someone turn this madness off because it hurts!" I want to think about things that don't matter and enjoy it, not all this other crazy madness. And I found whenever I listened to the song I was able to forget my problems during the song. Maybe because if someone felt the same way enough to write a song about it I wasn't alone in my feeling.

I want to think about all the things that don't stress me out or hurt. When you feel this way sometimes you so badly want to be able to just turn it off because it's too much. You feel to much. It's not easy to live with your heart 24/7. This song is about nothing yet about everything. We all need a bit of nothing sometimes.

When you fall in love the rest of the world seems to disappear, doesn't it? You can be in a room full of people and you only see the one you love. Chaos can be abundant but somehow at the time it can't touch you. People around a couple that are in love know they are basically invisible at the moment. I suppose that may be the "coping" answer I'm looking for. To be in love with life enough that all the chaos and pain around you is invisible. At least invisible enough to carry through it.

This song deserved the Grammy nomination it just received, well deserved.

I sent this song to B because I knew he was in that spot of tremendous pain and disappointment and I wanted him to find that place where he can think of things that don't matter. I want to give that peaceful silence to B.

When I'm able to think of things that don't matter I feel serenity. I start becoming more creative, I have time to think about things I wouldn't give time to before. I'm healthier because I have time to be on top of my game. A much better feeling than feeling like you are stuck in a loop of taking that last breath before you go under.


So to sum it up....Enjoy the simplicity!( I'm more so reminding myself) Enjoy those things that don't matter, recognize them. Don't just stress on the things that are obvious. Notice the warm days and try to ignore the cold ones.

"The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget"

I love the intensity of the chorus because to me it's like screaming for an answer to all these things... Or just a way to forget. Sometimes we need to forget what means so much to us because it's to painful to remember. Ease me into nothingness.

"I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything"

I like this verse also because I think sometimes musicians do what they do to be heard and sometimes they play just to escape. Their gift opens doors and can just as effectively close them. Whatever they may need at the moment.

The other song on this CD I like is "Be Yourself" I'll save my thoughts about that another time.

Whew. I'm done. This one took about two hours. Lots of things for me to think about in this one.

I am finding that when I have a lot of things I'm thinking about I take less care of properly formatting my words and topics. I am hopeful I will get better at this. To me this post makes perfect sense and ties together but I can see where someone reading it would feel confused. Dare you enter my mind, you could get lost easily. ;-)

Now I'm really off for Houston this time. I leave in 6 hours and I need sleep.

Ciao!

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 7:40 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Happy Holidays To All.


I don't have much time to write considering the holidays are approaching. Brandon is doing well. When we are visiting him I have set up a massage and Tai Chi for him. His muscles are very knotted up from last weeks events so I am hoping this will help. We plan on taking the mile walk near downtown Houston on Christmas Eve. I guess it's a mile of millions of lights and Christmas music. A few special dinners planned and some shopping as well. I'm excited to take Meghan to Sephora at the Galleria mall. I order most of my cosmetics from Sephora but we don't have a store here. Meghan will be in heaven. I'm sure we will discover other cool things to do. A few meetings thrown in there as well.

M, T and I are opening our Christmas gifts tonight. I have convinced T that I personally know Santa and he agreed to make an early stop for us. She wanted to know how I could ask him and I said, "Email, of course" LOL She probably thinks that's pretty wild that her mom personally knows Santa. Brownie points for me!!! Today I was driving and I saw the guy driving his car that plays Santa at the mall. The best Santa I've ever seen. It was pretty funny seeing Santa driving a Ford Taurus down College Ave. His beard is real. He seriously looks exactly like Santa. It made me think, hmm, maybe I should find out who this guy is and see if when B comes home if he'll play Santa for us and deliver B's presents. And, a few for T and M. I think T would get such a kick out of that, and help her to have a few extra years of believing in Santa. I mean if the beard is REAL what else are you to believe!? Christmas is so magical......... and in some ways such a hoax. LOL

One thing I haven't done yet is put lights on the beastly tree! If the kids don't complain I might forgo that all together. I have a feeling we will be doing it tonight. sigh lol


Merry Christmas!

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 2:40 PM :: 0 comments

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Anyone who actively reads my blog should really just skip reading it until the holidays are over. It's depressing right now. And, this particular post doesn't have anything positive in it. Sorry. Just for information purposes I am going to Houston with M over the Christmas Holiday.



Holidays usually put me in a very good mood but this year holidays are an emotional struggle.

I'm wrapping Christmas presents right now. I put on Christmas music to get me in the mood. Trans Siberian Orchestra has fantastic electrifying Christmas music, by the way. It was working. I was having fun making my presents look pretty with my handmade bows. I decided to take a break and check my email.

A very evil person from my past, penned Jackalope for this blog, decided to email me about some court papers he's having me served with this week. The court date is January 3rd. To try and change our custody agreement. He got wind of something going on with B. I'm going to be gone over Christmas and I can't even imagine hiring a lawyer, getting a defense together over the holidays. I believe the timing of this was very intentional and very nasty. Go figure. So, that was upsetting. I decided to not worry about it right now and get back to my wrapping even though I couldn't shake being upset about it.

A few more presents done and I get to one of B's presents. That was too much for me with everything else going on. Tears are falling while wrapping it. I'm thinking about all our past Christmas years together. Back when things were okay. How we would have never imagined this happening to him in a few years. How things will ( at least right now I feel this way) never be the same again. To make matters worse the song B performed last year for the Christmas Eve church service comes on and really puts me in a crying episode. I keep thinking, "This can't be happening. How can this be real?" What can I do, how can I help him and how can I get jackalope to back off because I seriously can't deal with the crap he conviently is throwing my way right now. It's just too much. I can't fall apart if for nothing else for B and M and T. But, I'm about to. I have come to coping terms with B's situation but barely... I just can't add more to the pile right now. I'm also worried about my mom because she had triple bypass heart surgery last year and I know this is so difficult for her to cope with also. She was in more denial than myself and just this week she is facing reality so I'm getting lots of sad calls from her. The last thing she needs is the stress.

The last thing anyone needs is stress and I don't get why this guy lives for stress. He in the truest sense is a cancer that feeds off my happiness.

I thought about going to church tonight. I changed my mind because I think if I went I would really fall apart there. I don't trust myself to keep myself together. I pray at home but I really feel this need to go to church. I think I need to call a friend of mine and have him come visit. He's in the seminary and knows my children very well, he babysat them for quite a few years. Maybe he can help me. All I know is I need help. I've been putting off visiting NAMI because then I REALLY have to face this. I also am scared of seeing the people there. I don't want to see examples of what could be. Problem is the information I get there could be very helpful. These are the things I should be thinking about right now NOT JACKALOPE, LAWYERS, RETAINER FEES AND EXTRA STRESS.

I'm too drained to feel angry but I know somewhere inside me there is anger over this court thing. This is why I kept everything with B private from the jackalope. It's only an opportunity for him. There is no compassion or good will with him in any situation. It's all just opportunity, hit when the opponent is weak. He's a fighter and he knows when to strike. If the jackalope was that concerned about T's well being then he would have participated in her counseling. He didn't show up once while I've been taking her weekly for 9 months. Both the counselor and I have asked him to participate every other week. Plus, he lost his job. I don't get how he thinks he can take her more since he's been jobless for two months.
Plus, if B were to find out something regarding himself made jackalope rise from the pits of .... again and cause us problems it would devastate him. I obviously have no intention of telling him but I'm sure eventually he'll figure it something out.

Okay, I vented a bit. I feel a little better, I guess. Back to present wrapping and throwing a zillion lights on this stupid huge tree I got. I thought B was coming home and I wanted to make it really nice and now I really regret getting this tree. A Charlie Brown tree would have been enough since events changed.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 9:11 PM :: 3 comments

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Thursday, December 15, 2005

In the past few days I have opened my creating post to write, always shutting it back down because the things I need to write about I'm not comfortable with. I'm still not and probably won't open too many doors here right now. There are two reasons for this. One, facing reality of the last few days is _______. ( Insert every fearful, sad and overwhelming word in the blank. I came up with too many to choose one or two, so I'll leave it blank. Secondly, this is still the internet and I don't know how easy it would be for the wrong people to find/enter my blog.

This is difficult for me because I want to write WHATEVER I want to write. It feels so good to just type what is on my mind. I find answers that way. Yet, topics in here especially details have a cautionary edge to them.

I could write my own blog without anyone having access but right now it feels healthier to do it this way. I think having my friends see it keeps me somewhat grounded. I have too many fears right now and could really comfort myself in a personal blog which would really only untimately serve my depressed ego but there would be a great violin solo in the background.

Right at this moment though I feel like I should be starting a project which would require a personal blog. B is trying to cope with something that only 1% of the population experience. Just knowing those stats makes you feel very alone with what you are dealing with, it also makes me feel very alone knowing only 1% of mothers and fathers can relate and truly know what we are going through.

In all my research to date on this illness I primarily see how to treat it with meds, how the patients are either much sicker in time or even better to the point the people wonder if they were misdiagnosed. What I haven't seen much of is the road the family walked through the course of this illness. Much focus, rightfully so, is on the patient but it seems family coping get lost in the mist. I have experienced this the most not so much on the internet but from the clinic directly. I basically had to beg to get information so I could understand what was going on and how to be the best support I can be. I don't want to hear anymore how busy everyone is. This clinic is in the top 5 and was at one time number 1. But, for myself and anyone going through this I want to raise awareness for the families, which ultimately helps the patient directly. I have a ton more research to do I know I haven't even tipped the iceberg on information that is out there BUT so what if it's out there if you can't find it. I don't need to know anymore the basic description of this illness which every stupid webpage has and they don't seem to dig "much" deeper than the basics. I want the clinic to HAND me book and say "read this" because this is your bible for survival and survival of your loved one. I need it to be that simple. I can't tell you how many hours I have wasted trying to find the information I'm seeking. Only last night did I finally find a webpage that gave deeper insight into what I'm looking for.

What I don't get... How can you be the so high on the excelling ranks as a research facility and NOT have made your own books to give to your clientele? It took me a month of daily searching webpages to even understand, truly understand the BASIC concepts of this disease and quite honestly I know I still don't really have a grasp on it. Often, someone will ask me a question about it and I have to say, "I don't know, I don't get it."

Generally it's hard to fully understand something if you haven't experienced it. And, to me that is why it is so important to make informing the family number two on the list for recovery. Obviously, taking care of the patient is number one. If I understand how and why my son is thinking the way he is the better I can ease him back to thinking the way he should. If I can recognize the little signs that something isn't right then I can interject and possiblily and quite easily prevent something extremely dramatic happening later. ( Like what happened to B in the last few day) as we talk about it there were signs. And I STILL feel like they aren't listening to the signs. Because the signs to me are saying B's meds aren't right. He himself with his own words are the signs I'm talking about. Saying things like, "My anxiety meds are working well enough" or "I feel funny at night" or "I just don't feel right" or "I don't feel comfortable in my own skin" HELLO HELLO HELLO so what do they do... Increase his meds. Now quite honestly, if they saw this they would have more to add, I'm sure there are things I don't get and other points to be raised in the formula BUT right now with my simpleton little mind I hear something I think needs to be heard. THE MEDS AREN'T RIGHT.

I can relate to that feeling. But, I'm sure B is feeling it to a greatly greater degree. When I was 19 I took an anti-depressant called prozac to help get me though a tough time. I had a month supply with intention of if it worked staying on for a few months. After two weeks I quit taking it myself because without having words to explain the sensations I had... It just "DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT AND I DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN" I didn't need to be a genius to realize this medicine was making me NOT feel like myself and there was something wrong with that.

I have recently began looking at other methods of treatment for B. Or methods additional to meds. More unconventional methods. It seems that anything aside from popping pills in the U.S. is considered unconventional. I don't have a problem with modern medicine really. I think some pills can really improve the quality of someone's life. I just think it's used automatically, too quickly, too often and sometimes in too high of a dose. There was not any discussion whatsoever after B was diagnoses to talk about options. We were given two options. Take meds and basically have a relatively normal life or don't take meds and conditions will get much worse.

I don't know, I just want him to feel right, get better, be happy and start living his life again. I feel helpless because I don't know what the right thing is to do. Maybe the meds are a lifesaver for him, maybe they aren't. I just don't know. I want to know.

One thing I do know is there has to be a lot more to this disease than is being reported. They've only really been able to tap into this disease in the last ten years, time and funding needs to catch up. Fast!

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 9:47 AM :: 0 comments

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Monday, December 12, 2005

Yesterday and today were not good for B. He's having a reaction to his meds. He was taken the the emergency room last night and he struggled terribly today also. I really don't want to go into details. He's not coming home Wed. All I can say is he is really suffering right now. I hope tomorrow is better.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 10:42 PM :: 1 comments

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Saturday, December 10, 2005

B and T snuggled up watching the movie ( yes, the one I ended up falling asleep to) Not the best picture T's eyes were watering because I kept snapping pictures in the dark at them. B's hair is huge because he hasn't had anything done to it in 3 months. They are wrapped in a blanket that M made for B a few months ago.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 12:08 PM :: 0 comments

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Friday, December 09, 2005

Yes, B was here and I didn't post anything during that time. I figured I wouldn't post during his visit. 4 days goes by fast and I wanted to utilize my time with him and the family.

I can't imagine writing everything that happened and was on my mind during his visit. Too much stuff. The 4 days went very well and had he gone home when he was supposed to I would say it was as perfect as could be. The last day... The extra day, was rough.

On arrival B was very driven to get to his Marshall, mixing board and recording equipment. He had a lot of ideas brewing and wanted to get them recorded. I was impressed with his focus and desire to get back to his passion. He had quite an assortment of lyrics from the last 3 months and the music was in his head, so he just zipped downstairs and got to work.

I was pleased to see him go to bed on his own at decent times, eating well and choosing to spend quality time with each family member. (even though I knew he was hearing the clock ticking and probably wanted to be in the basement working instead)

The first night Jake, lead singer, came over for dinner and spent a few hours with B working on songs. Then B told Jake he didn't want him to play bass anymore but focus on his instrument, his voice. They decided Jake would just play back-up guitar. All seemed good. After Jake left B called Jimi, bass player, in New Zealand and chatted up with him a bit. By that time B was exhausted and went to bed.

The next day B tells me he now told Jake that he doesn't want him to play guitar either. This decision I'm concerned with. I'm sure Jake is upset, he told B "I don't know what the hell you want so I hope you find it." Jake is B's social support and B will greatly need that when he comes home. B told me he had a vision of how he wants his songs to sound and Jake keeps trying to change them. To the point of offering to "finish" a song B started. That didn't go over very well.

I told B if he felt that way it was fine but he should have waited until he got back home, established himself again with his friends and then maybe threw out how he felt. Jake is a great person and positive influence on B. Jake has been extremely supportive of B and I'd hate to see B lose that.

So basically,B ended up coming home for 4 days, telling Jake he didn't want him to be a part of the creating process, just sing what everyone else creates. Leaves. Comes back in a week and expects Jake to be his buddy and help get him re interrogated socially. Hmmm, I don't see this going over well. I'm sure I'll write more about that later as the events unfold.

The rest of the days were filled with music, meals and good conversations. The sweetest part in my opinion was when B spent a few hours with T coloring. He made a cute picture of himself and her, similar to the homemade card he sent her. She was so excited about him being home. The joy on her face when he spent that time with her was priceless. Lots of hugs were floating around.

It was difficult to get everyone their time with B because of all the phone calls and everyone wanting to spend time with him. That caused some stress. At least he knows he's loved.

He took two of M's drum lessons and got a lesson in with his guitar teacher. I know that thrilled him.

B was expected to leave on Thursday. When we got to the airport he started getting very restless. He ended up having enough anxiety that he couldn't fly. We rescheduled everything for the next day and had a prescription for anxiety called in.

On Friday we tried again, and all went well.

I just did a flight status and he has landed in Houston safe and sound.

At this point in my post I got tired and went to bed...

So anyway, the extra night B stayed I fell asleep while watching a movie with him and T. I was woken at 4 a.m. with him having an anxiety attack. I said did you take your medicine before you went to bed? He says, "No!" So I gave him his medicine and spent the next 2 hours helping him work though this anxiety. Anyone who has had anxiety attacks knows this is quite a stressful situation. I couldn't believe I fell asleep without giving his medicine and I was stunned to hear he didn't take it on his own.

So I took him to the basement to so he could play his guitar because I know that soothes him and will preoccupy his mind. Which worked for the time being. Then he tells me, "I haven't gone to bed yet" OMG!! Here he was going to bed each night earlier than I was making him and the one time I fall asleep before him he stays up all night and doesn't take his meds! This is not good!

After playing guitar he got restless again so I had him breath into a bag to slow his breathing down. In time I convinced him to lay down and I rubbed his feet for about an hour. He finally fell asleep. Leaving me exhausted.

I got M and T up to get ready for school. Got them off. And called to report the evenings events.

Good did come from it all because it made B realize he shouldn't miss his meds even once. It made me more aware of it also. I realized I'd rather have him take his meds two hours early ( before I fall asleep) verses leaving it up to him once I go to bed. And I think an alarm clock in the kitchen will help for a reminder also.

I was given advice that it would be good for B to wear a watch that has an alarm on it. I thought that was a fantastic idea but B says he doesn't like wearing watches. I say who cares! You do what you gotta do. I think I shouldn't be the primary one reminding B. I think I should be the backup for rare times he forgets. I want B to be as independent with this as he can be.

So I'm worried about life right now. You can organize and schedule as much as you want but life just happens unexpectedly sometimes. Something at some point will make us forget something we have to do. And, this is a situation where we can't forget. That scares me. I'm already thinking... hmm, maybe I'll put extra meds in my purse and the car. I don't know what situation could come up where that could be helpful but I want to make sure they are available at any time for any reason.

B was going to be coming home for good on Wed. I have a feeling they may think he isn't quite ready yet after that last night here. I just don't know. I know his anxiety medicine isn't working the best for him and they are going to have to adjust that and it takes time to make sure meds are stabilized and working.

So, I sit again in limbo wondering when my son can come home, begin his life again and be a part of ours.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 7:17 PM :: 0 comments

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Sibling love? How perfectly planned for the camera... and cute.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 5:06 PM :: 1 comments

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M buried in leaves.

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T buried in leaves

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Sunday, December 04, 2005

Things are getting pretty exciting around here. People are buzzing all over the place getting ready for B to come home. Everyone's energy is over the top. Meghan and Jake are cleaning the studio. I cleaned his bedroom. Now I'm making spaghetti because that was his homecoming meal request. We are all so excited!

His bedroom is completely spotless. ( aside from the mass amount of carpet stains he's acquired in the last year) I couldn't even explain how messy it was. Things I couldn't identify were gabaged immediately. ( I made that up because it sounded good) ha! Seriously, his room was so bad. And everything down to his closet is nicely organized now. Has anyone ever seen 10 pair of jeans nicely hung together in a closet? It's a beautiful site. lol A friend of mine suggested that I don't pick it up too much because it might not feel like his room so I guess I'll have to go up there and throw a few things around on the floor.

When Jake first came over today he walked down the hall and said, "God, it's so nice to be here again." That was nice to hear. I'm glad B's friends are so comfortable here. I was thinking, "No kidding, this house is a drag without you guys coming and going.

For me part of the excitement is seeing the approach of things getting back to normal again. The last three months were insane, unfamiliar and gloomy.

Either way, I'm friggin excited and happy as can be!

Back to the spaghetti making...

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 6:50 PM :: 0 comments

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Saturday, December 03, 2005

I had a huge post written last night. My Java has been not working and midway through something came up on my computer and made my aol shut down. Losing my post. AURGG! Oh well, just my ramblings as usual. Until next time I get in one of those moods I'll just post the song that is on my mind.

Two days and B comes home! One of my happiest moments Monday, aside from when I first see him, will be when he falls asleep and I go check on him in his room and I see him sleeping in his own bed. That is what will give me a peaceful rest that evening.

HOMEWARD BOUND


I’m sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket for my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And every stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.

Homeward Bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward Bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Every day’s an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And every stranger’s face I see reminds me that I long to be,

Homeward Bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward Bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Tonight I’ll sing my songs again,
I’ll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.

Homeward Bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward Bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Silently for me.

SIMON AND GARFUNKEL

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 10:51 AM :: 0 comments

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