Release The Sanity

Tuesday, November 29, 2005



B is coming home for a visit Monday Dec.5th to Thursday Dec.8th

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 12:30 AM :: 1 comments

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Sunday, November 27, 2005



Do you ever find yourself being one way around someone and different way around someone else? I most certainly do. Why is that?

(I will take two people I know well and give an idea of how I feel around each of those people. The first, I feel like I'm beautiful. I'm amazing. ( not sure why but I don't question, I just believe) It's cool that I can dance. I'm sweet. I'm sexy. I'm great to be with. I'm intriguing. I'm smart. I'm unique. The second, I'm a liar, I'm not worthy of being respected. I'm selfish. I use people. I'm an Indian giver. And bla bla bla a bunch of other things) I feel exactly like each of those people around those people. )By the way, person number two is a jack-a-lope. heh

My thoughts...

For myself I feel the way the person around me makes me feel. I suppose that makes me a reactor. I have the ability to be very outgoing or sly even to slowly ease people into my world, the world of me. My humor, my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, everything that makes me. But, even still overall I am a reactor. I suppose to some degree we all are. And to what degree? What the hell am I talking about you wonder. I'm talking about our vulnerabilities and the level our risk taking goes. And that is what I'm frustrated with right now. And I don't have it figured out in my head so this might not make much sense.

I am talking about that time when you were 14 and you heard someone call you a bad name and whenever you were around that person you felt like you were what that person called you. Or, the times someone told you that you were beautiful and you felt absolutely beautiful whenever that person was present. Or, the time someone told you that you were strong, or weak, or amazing or a liar. It's incredible how someone's words can have such an influence on how you feel around them. Or if it goes far enough that you question yourself. Or if it goes far enough that you believe it when even deep in your heart you know it isn't true. So many lines to cross, so many distances you can go. All vulnerability you expose. And retract, and re expose. I feel like I'm always playing this game of how much do I show? How much do I risk? How much of myself do I give?

Just today I was talking with a 15 year old kid, my son's bass player, he sent me over a new acoustic solo he created with the warning of "how stupid it was". My response to him was, "Isn't it amazing when we create something how insecure we are about it. Even if we know it's good" He said, "God, yes. I do it all the time" I said, "Everytime I write and I choose to share it with someone I have this huge fear race over me. A fear that they will think it's stupid or crazy or they will think differently of me in some way, in some negative way. Only when I get that seal of approval do I then feel okay again." ( clarifying that I do not in any way see my writing as art, just a form that I choose to express myself) He said, "How can that be? I'm only 15 I don't know what is good and what is not. You do. Doesn't your age, your experience tell you" My answer was exactly the topic I'm trying to hit here right now. My answer was this, "No, it's not different. Because many adults ignore their feelings. So if I go deeper than they are comfortable with I become vulnerable to whatever their reaction may be"

Kids are innocent, vulnerable. They don't know better. They don't know many times that they are exposing themselves. That they will be hurt by this at some point, some day, in some way. They fly into experiences and relationships unguarded and open to deep experiences simply by the lack of knowledge. We adults know this fear, and I believe, many of us shut down, ignore certain feelings, become more robotic, our answers are more logistical than emotional. That's why to me children are so precious, the innocent. They are the most real people walking this earth. It's more of the adults I think that have a problem.

So how many times has someone asked you the customary question, "How are you today" And you answered with, "Oh just fine, thank you and you?" Where inside you are screaming TODAY SUCKS. TODAY I FEEL TERRIBLE. IF YOU ONLY REALLY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I WONDER IF YOU CAN SEE HOW FAKE I'M BEING RIGHT NOW. I HOPE NOT!" Now granted, many of these people you wouldn't/nor should share your problems with. But how many times was it someone you could have and didn't... And you lied. Or, where you could have just said, "I've had better days" and left it up to them to open the door if they are truly interested. Instead you get the robotic answer of "fine and how are you" How often do you lie to protect yourself. To not open certain doors.
Why are so many people fake? Why are so many so scared? Why do so many ignore their own feelings and needs? So many people hide the real them, or sadly enough don't even know who the real them is.

I try and not be like this. Lately I've become this also. And, I have to say I don't like it at all. I hate the feeling. I get very uncomfortable stuffing my feelings. I don't like not telling people what I think. I hate worrying about their reaction. Take me as I am or don't take me... Feels so much better to me. The hiding makes me feel half dead and barely living.

I can see how easy it can be to become like this. You get hurt. You hide and you stay hidden to the point you don't even know yourself anymore, least expect someone else to really know you. And dare attempt a rewarding relationship like this? And you end up living the rest of your life like this.

I refuse to do this. I'm fighting for me again. Because only when I'm really me do I feel like I'm not fighting. I'm free and confident.

But, there are setbacks. I'm still quite vulnerable to go back in my shell. Someone questions me and it's still easy to retreat.

I've become envious of people who are so logical. Their lives seem quite simple. Simple decisions. All the right reasons for things to be the way they are in their lives. But, I have to wonder are they really happy. They seem to ignore their feelings or what makes them really happy to keep their lives simple.

I can't handle that. I need to feel alive. I need to feel like I'm living. And I only feel that way when I'm free to be who I am and being able to say what I need. THEN I'm truly fucking happy. And, for that point I must swear. At least I feel I must swear because when I can yell "I'm so happy" then I don't need the swearing to emphasize it.

But, back to my beginning point. Whatever that was.

I have seen this countless times. Someone doesn't believe in themselves and you take that person and tell them what they are doing is amazing. When you honestly see it. And, at first they brush you off. But you keep going back and telling them not just that what they are doing is amazing but why and how and the details because then they know your words aren't just empty compliments. And they start showing you more stuff. And they suddenly can't wait for you to be around so they can show you more. They know you believe in them. And, what they are doing. Your belief in them becomes their reality. Their dream unfolds in front of them. It's awesome to see. My son will come to me and show me a song he's done and of course the first question is always the same, "What do you think" He needs to know if I see it the same way he does. Or, if I see something better or worse than he does" He needs to know how it's received. Just as we all need that clarification when we are exposing ourselves. I will never lie to him, I will never falsely tell him something is good when I think otherwise. This could get tricky if he truly comes to me with something that straight up stinks. But, it doesn't get tricky because there is nothing that he can bring me that doesn't have some good in it. I will find that good. I will point it out. And I will tell him why that one part is amazing. I will focus on that part. I pay attention, I see through the "other stuff" and I find the good. This encourages him. And he believes in himself just a little more. Every song brings a little more confidence this way.

So when someone seems to notice the variety of good in me and overlook or understand the character flaws I'm going to feel wonderful around this person. Now if it's the other way around I will feel like the biggest piece of garbage whenever I'm around this person.

Does this all tie together. Life ties together. And what I'm talking about is life and our interactions with each other.

I'm frustrated today, and many past days on why I don't open up like I used to. And, why is it is hard for others to open up. There is so much judgment out there. And not enough acceptance and encouragement. I can't stress this enough ENCOURANGMENT.

I realize I need to find this sort of person for my intimate life. And, that is where I hit a brick wall. I've found the friends that understand me, love me and accept me for whatever I bring to the table and whatever time I happen to bring it. So on a deeper level I crave this sort of relationship. But, even in my everyday life I watch how people interact and it just makes me wonder if they know how closed off they are, and if they know who they are, and if they know what they really want in life and have the guts to go find it.


What's my point. I don't know. I'm too tired to care at this point. Be character builders for everyone you encounter. And most of all be that for yourself.

That is what is on my cranky mind tonight.

"The Sounds Of Silence" Simon And Garfunkel

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 4:33 PM :: 2 comments

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Talk about a good kick in the arse! A book report. Ha! That made me go back to my last post and about fall off my chair laughing. Hmm, I didn't see it as such when I wrote it but some people know me too well. Nail on the head. Yes, I was "hiding" and reporting. Busted. I will tell you I didn't leave one side dish out either! LOL

This comment prompted me to reread my post and zip over to my creating template and go to town. ( the attitude of if you REALLY want to know what's on my mind... Here it is) I threw out my longest blog entry in roughly 15 minutes. Who knows how long it took it felt like 5 minutes because I was typing so fast. Not thinking and just throwing out what came to my mind. All the while being fully aware that my text did not fit together well, my points did not roll smoothly from one to the other. And, until I read it when I'm done am wondering if any of it even makes sense. But, who cares. I was being real. And it took being called on by a friend to keep me real.

I just reread what I typed and it's not all about "feelings" I can't even say what it is all about. I flow from one topic to another without tying the two together. I usually try to wrap my blogs up or have a point or my idea of a possible answer. I don't this time and don't care. I'm frustrated and annoyed. With myself and others around me.

I'm quite sure this is displaced emotion but that's the reason for this blog at this time for me to think, ponder, release, redirect and get to the point of not having displaced emotion and being in touch and real with myself. So right now I'll post what I typed in rough form because it is what it is. Maybe tomorrow I'll recant and remove it. I am tired right now and not thinking clearly. LOL But, what will not be removed is my Thank You.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 4:04 AM :: 0 comments

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Saturday, November 26, 2005



I'm hopeful everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I hosted Thanksgiving and it turned out nice. I made an apple, cherry and pumpkin pie. I also made cranberry bread, bean almondine,walnut glazed carrots,mashed potatoes, seven layer salad,dinner rolls, brushetta, deviled eggs, tequila lime shrimp and 20 lb. Turkey. My mom makes the stuffing every year because no one can make it like she does. I have the most fun making the turkey. I gave it a brining bath for 24 hours prior to cooking. This year I injected it with special flavored juices. It turned out excellent. In preparing this meal I can't help but to think how insane it is to make such a feast but it's fun because I enjoy entertaining and making things as nice as I possibly can.

There were no major injuries, thank gawd. Last year T fell doing a cartwheel and busted open her chin leaving 6 stitches. This year we escaped with only a burn to my hand from pulling the turkey out to baste it.

B is doing very well. I talked to him the day before and on Thanksgiving. He is so ready to come home. They are speaking of sending him home the first week of January. He's full of conversation about how he should come home for Christmas break. He feels he has learned what he can and now he's just being stalled. I personally think the majority of his time there now will be him just being angry and resenting being there. It will be an interesting week debating this issue. But, he sounds great, he's very outgoing in his conversations and it's great to hear him so healthy. Our other debate is trying to figure out which school would be best for him. My next month will be so busy, making sure everything is set up for him at home, school and therapy. Oh yes, and Christmas is right around the corner!

I can't wait for B to be home. It's been amazing to me how different this house is without him here. He brings a lot of life and laughs to this house. The lack of music floating in the air alone is a constant reminder of his absence. It will be nice to hear the music again. Well, at least the acoustical sounds. LOL

Today I'm going to start working on the studio in the basement. The goal is to organize, paint, properly set up soundproofing and put up a ton of new band pictures. I have 3 huge mosaic pictures of Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix which will be the focal points. I wanted one so badly of Lennon but the mosaic they had of him wasn't very good. B spends a lot of time down there so I'd like to have it be a bit more cheery than it is right now.

On with the day.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 12:43 PM :: 0 comments

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005



I really enjoyed the comments made in regard to my "hope" entry. Thank you for posting those. Always keep me thinking.

"the picture of the forest moves me to feel happy if I notice the sunlight"
I think the most important word in that statement is "if". Because sometimes you need to be active in your hope. You need to choose to see it. I really liked that point. "If" you are willing to see the light. Many times I have to think for awhile to find it because I do seek to see the light throughout my life.

That's part of why the last few months have been so incredibly hard for me. No matter which angle I viewed I just couldn't find something positive in it. Now I can and it's nice to be comfortable with myself again.


"(When)My hope is simply gone.I am able to find endless quantities of hope for others. I wonder if that's a disfunction..."
Could that be the depression that comes along with it, usually right after the loss of hope?

I think it's really important to understand these sorts of things, how we individually function and how we are affected by various things. What makes us tick? If we know when the time is wrong we can correct it. For myself, when I understand something I can usually work with it better and apply it accordingly.

"When I have no hope, I am in the shadows and do not want to see the sun. It is too bright. It hurts. It wounds. External stimulation is overwhelming and unwelcome."
That explains me well when I'm in a funk. Something I am trying to get away from because I wasn't always like that.

For the majority of my life I would go to friends and family when I needed them the most. I struggle with not wanting to bother people with my problems. I notice since my last relationship I tend to shut them out when I need them most. It's easier for me to be there for someone else than let them be there for me. This is a huge issue for me lately. Letting people in. Especially new people that I don't know. I seem to have gone from one extreme to the next.

I feel different in some way, many ways. I don't like it. I was always comfortable with who I was and how I was. I'm not anymore because I'm so guarded that I don't recognize myself. It's all based on trust. The different me. Newbies are not welcomed. Did I have blind faith before and was just shocked when reasons for distrust came? Or, is it really about feeling like it's practically impossible to find someone that you truly completely trust?

Right at the beginning can you trust? My experience for a good part of my life would say yes. My experience in the last 10 years, ah no. My heart just can't take it. So frickin cliche. But here I am. I always had so much faith in people and I've lost a good part of that. How do I get that back? Blindly trust and take the chance? Slowly let people in? That is the ticket. And, know when to bail! lol I don't think I'm good at knowing the proper balance with slowly letting someone in. I either have a welcome mat laid out letting them in without question or shut them out before they even have a chance. I could get a few years of therapy to make it better, or I could just meet a really nice trusting sincere guy to prove me wrong. I want the easy way out, where's the guy to prove me wrong? LOL

But, seriously you always see those little cute candles or plaques that say... HOPE-TRUST-LOVE-PEACE I actually have two of these candles in japanese myself. I would like to get to the point of seeing those words and a smile naturally forms on my face instead of hiding those candles behind a hoard of clothes so I can't see them. I think I need to pay more attention to those words and start with giving those words a chance again. A good place to start I guess.


I have been throwing around the idea of going to school for nursing and/or psychology. For one, I need to go to school eventually. Secondly, if my son ever needs future care I would like to have some sense of knowledge about it. There's a part of me that feels very uncomfortable saying this. I more picture myself being a philanthropist but unfortuantely I don't have the funds to donate and just running around loving the world and trying to make it better won't make people start throwing pay checks at me. But, some sort of philanthropist work would really make me happy. The one thing I have always known since I was little is I "have" to do something that makes me feel like I've made a difference. It doesn't have to be huge but A difference. So I'm still a bit unsure.


Regrets. I can't get caught up in the regrets or I lose today. I have to remember that.

This blog is bringing me back closer to me. I want me back. I really do like me.


Healing powers of music.

Right on sister! When I read that I instantly remembered all these times of you singing. It made me miss you. Get your arse here for a weekend visit! I know you were planning to and I wasn't ready. I'm ready! I'm ready! It would be great to see you. I miss the yearly ritual weekend of lounging, talking and no bras for complete comfort. Did we have other rules? I don't remember.

Dang, maybe you can teach B a few things about singing! He's a sponge with that sort of thing, wants to learn as much as he can. As I remember, you are pretty good.

Also expect a call from me next Wed. at 8:30 a.m. Darcie. Love ya!


And remember..."Everyone is in the sunlight"

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Monday, November 21, 2005



Why B is so cool. Handmade Birthday Card.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 3:40 PM :: 1 comments

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Thursday, November 17, 2005



It annoys me that I can't make my symbol picture of hope larger. It deserves to be half the size of this blog. ( I'm still learning how to make pictures the way I want them)

Hope is so important. I don't think about hope much. I use it daily but always have referred to it as a certain perspective. Same thing if your using perspective to the best of it's nature. But I like the term hope because it defines the feeling better.

Even John Lennon credits hope for his innermost happiness and sobriety. ( You know I'm going to get Lennon in here whenever I can)

~ "The only time we took drugs was when we were without hope and the only way we got out of it was with hope and if we can sustain the hope then we don't need drugs, liquor or anything. But if we lose hope, what can you do? What is there to do?" - John Lennon


Last night I was talking with a friend and he said that he felt souless when he was younger and that I gave him hope and to this day I give him hope. I don't think I could ask to give a friend something better than that. To know that I could give someone something so important was wonderful to know. What I'd like to say to this friend is this...

I think you had a sense of hope. In even having the ability to trust me you had hope. Don't you think?


I think it's interesting that I was just credited for something that I very recently struggled to acquire myself. But isn't that hope in itself? What you do not have, you can have. What you have lost, you can find. The unknown can be discovered. The disappointing can change or create something new that's positive.

What holds us back? I know for myself it's usually fear. Too scared to take a risk, to trust and be vulnerable. It is in this vulnerable state that I actually discover the most about myself, life, love and possibilities. Hence, hope. I came to understand hope better by the absence of it. I guess I didn't realize I probably had it most of my life without a thought to it.

I picked that picture as my "symbol of hope" for a reason. Without hope everything feels dark, bleak and endless. Emerging from that to feeling hope is exactly what I see in the picture. Darkness still has the possibility of looming over you but there are softer areas and in other areas you can actually see the radiant light shine through those troubled spots. You can actually see what is behind the gloom... Hope.

Life is beautiful. In the simplest form to the deepest. From the way a wave ripples in harmony in the lake, to the ability of creating a life. It's all beautiful if you are willing to see it. One of my favorite moments is when I suddenly discover "again" to enjoy the simple things. I often forget. Suddenly, a breeze that I previously ignored feels amazing on my skin and takes my breath away with it's warmth filling me with complete peace and serenity. Taking the time to see that good. Find those moments and you'll start seeing the world around you differently.

Hope is the love of life in my opinion.

In a few days I may feel negative and see more of the ugly, we all know it's there too, but I will always come back to the moments of inner peace.

My next topic of thoughts...

Someone commented to me that I seem to use music to soothe me. Excellent observation. ;-) Then it was said that they like music to uplift them, put them in a good mood. I use music for that reason also. I actually use music for everything. LOL But, I think the point being made was... When you are in a down mood why listen to music that makes you feel down? Why not put in something that is going to cheer you up? This made me think...

I think that idea is great for those "cranky" moods. The light ornery times. But, when I am in a deeper sadness about something I want to be able to understand that feeling. Why I have it. What to do with it. What I can do about it. What will change it. The feeling almost needs to flow through me. I need to "experience" it in able to get over it. Music is a great tool for me to do that with. Once that feeling has gone completely through me I won't be back in that place ever again. It's over. And I'm onto the next phase which is usually acceptance. You need to feel the pain so you aren't feeling it in bits later on in your life. And, those are my thoughts on that. Anyway, who the heck hasn't been heartbroken and gravitates towards every stinkin sad song on the radio and think poor me wahhhhhaaaaaaahhaaa. LOL Well, if you guys haven't ever been there then, umm, well, yeah, me either!!

Oh, and when you are playing music to pull you from those cranky ornery moods what music is the best to throw in? THE VIOLENT FEMMES,of course! hehe

Well, anyway. Today is good. My toilet seat cover is warm. :-)

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 10:10 AM :: 0 comments

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Monday, November 14, 2005



What hope feels like.

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Today I have something that I haven't had in months. Hope. It's feels wonderful.

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Saturday, November 12, 2005



I had a surprise phone call around midnight last night. A dear old friend that I haven't seen in awhile called. Normally I'd be less than thrilled at getting a midnight call to hang out but he's a musician so I understand his lifestyle. His ongoing joke is "I never rise before the break of noon". Considering that I thought he was in Vegas I was thrilled to see him.

Neither of us wanted to go out so Chris and I hung out at my house and talked for about an hour and a half. We listened to a few songs he's recording that aren't finished yet. Then we watched "Sid and Nancy" which took us into the wee hours of the morning. Sid and Nancy is the story of Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols and his girlfriend Nancy.

My close friends seem to check in with me at a time of need. Most of my lifelong friends live across the nation. I don't know how they manage to have such good timing with these things. I've always thought that was bizarre how I won't see someone for a year and the moment my life gets pretty rough they magically appear. A little miracle I'm always appreciative of.

To say the least I am tired today! I just got done making grilled peanut butter, jelly and marshmallow sandwiches. (another delight from Emerils kids cookbook) Now I'm boiling eggs because Trinity's other pick was egg salad sandwiches. Which I need to spice up a bit by adding pita bread and toasted sunflower seeds.

I still have headaches. Going on 8 days now of them. I really dread the idea of going to the doctor but that might need to happen if these headaches are still going on by Monday.

I'm looking forward to my phone call tomorrow morning with Brandon. I'm curious how he sounds and the things he chooses to talk about now that he's been on this medication for awhile. Last Wed. was really tough because he had to tell me what his issues are and it took 45 minutes of silence for him to actually speak the words. He feels shame and fear of things changing. Things I'm not sure how to handle with him quite yet.

Usually when something is rough I can find the positive in even the worst of situations and use it as a growing experience. I'm unable to do that with this one. So I feel lost and helpless myself. I hope in educating myself I can have a more positive attitude but right now I just can't imagine what the hell is possibly positive about this. I don't think anyone deserves a "growing experience" like this. For the first time in my years with Brandon I fear questions he may ask of me. Questions I can't answer or guidance I can't give. I'm still struggling with denial myself, something I can't let Brandon know. I guess for now I just have to focus on helping him to realize this wasn't his fault in anyway. What a feeble attempt of support. I want and need to be able to give him more than that. That "strong" support really feels pathetic right now.

I wonder if I'm reduced to that. Just being grateful that he isn't dying. I mean, usually when something sucks I think "hey, this didn't happen or that didn't happen. It could be worse. Be grateful THAT what you read in the paper didn't happen to you" And the only thing I can think of which would be worse would be death. And that reality alone makes me realize how serious this is. Then I think, "what the hell, this isn't real, this isn't happening and they don't know what they are talking about" I want slip back into denial then.

Someone said to me the other day, "Would Brandon be any different if he lost a leg" Ah, NO! And this isn't even comparable to losing a leg. At this point who cares about a missing leg? I said I'd rather lose both my legs and arms then deal with what Brandon is dealing with right now. It's so easy to say stuff like that when it's not happening to you.

After panicking like I just was I think to myself... Calm down! For all I know Brandon could take his meds and be perfectly fine the rest of his life. I am realizing what is driving me crazy is the great unknown. I don't know what to expect. Plus, I don't know to what degree he has this disease. From the sound of it it's on the milder scale. But, I just don't really know.

I don't even want to write anymore. I am so uncomfortable feeling so negative. I'm really struggling with my comfort of always thinking of the positive and coming out ahead of something negative. Being this way is not comfortable for me.

A friend said to me the other day, "You are the strongest woman I know, you always have been" I've been told that many times but you know what? Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I need someone to carry me and tell me it's going to be alright. When you feel like you always have to be strong it makes you weaker inside sometimes because you ignore your needs to cry, mourn... Just buck up and be strong. Maybe I need to guard down and let someone take care of me for once.

"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier"- The Killers

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 12:03 PM :: 1 comments

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Friday, November 11, 2005



Today was nice. Meghan had a friend sleep over. I made my cinnamon and vanilla French toast with hot chocolate. I don't mind cooking but what's with all the dirty dishes? It took me longer to clean up than to make the stuff.

The kids played in the leaves.



Then I took Meghan to get her hair cut and colored. It turned out pretty nice. She is taking part in a fashion show tomorrow.

While Meghan was getting her hair done Trinity and I went grocery shopping. Two hours later we emerged from the store.

Trinity planned a dinner for us from her Emeril kid's version cookbook. She picked spaghetti pie and chocolate covered strawberries. It was neat to see how proud she was of "her" dinner. Instead of the usual "BAM" of spices we used "BABY BAM" And it was pretty darn good! I was impressed.

We never got to the chocolate strawberries because after dinner we went to ToysRus and Trinity got that dealie that you see on TV that puts colored streaks in your hair. It's a pretty cool little gadget. So she's hanging out right now watching cartoons with bold red streaks in her hair.

I'm so tired I can't even think so I'll lounge with Trinity a bit and call it an early night.

Sweet dreams all.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 9:35 PM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, November 10, 2005



Good Morning

I thought I'd write a bit while I'm waiting for my bacon and ( peppered ;-) ) eggs to cook.

I wanted to make a point of writing something in this everyday but I'm finding that isn't always easy to do. Sometimes, you just have to be in the mood.

I'm listening to Jack Johnson "In Between Dreams" right now. I highly recommend it. It's primarily acoustic mellow sweet music. I love the mood it creates for me.

I also recommend thick sliced hickory smoked bacon! IT ROCKS. (hillshire farm if you are interested for real.) LOL

I'm back in service with my washing machine. Yeah! I already washed my sheet and two blankets. I'm running out of things to wash. The cats are starting to look like good subjects.

My other recommendation is Downey "fresh scent" wrinkle guard. SINCE THE SECRET IS OUT as to why I smell so good.

Forget those expensive perfumes ladies I guess this stuff works just as well. Who would have known.

BUT, I am suspecting that they have stopped selling it. So for my friends across the miles if you find Downey "fresh scent" wrinkle guard SCORE FOR ME, PLEASE. Christmas present? I don't care. I'm desperate.

Good news on Brandon. He's eating again, is med compliant and responding well to treatment. Now I can start eating again and maybe shed this 5 day headache I have been sporting.

They also said they think he "should" see Jimi. So I'm so happy for him. We aren't going to tell him until a week before Jimi comes otherwise it's probably all he'll think about.

I watched John Lennon's imagine the other night. I've seen it a zillion times, I even own the movie but it still chokes me up at the ending. So I'm sitting there close to tears 25 years after it happened and the movie shows thousands of people in Central Park crying and I think "If you could count tears how many would have fallen for John Lennon" So that's the title of my song/poem "If you could count tears"
LMAO yeah um not sure where that came from but I'm trying to turn it into something. I have about 10 lines so far. With plans of giving to Brandon and seeing if he can/wants to turn it into a song. Every once in awhile I get a creative spark unfortunately my moment may be over before I finish it. heh We shall see.

I will probably make a tribute page to Lennon since everyone knows I'm obsessed with John Lennon. Lennon and I would have gotten along famously. :-)

Today I have this urge to find my John Lennon move to a little simple cabin and live a simple life. Who knows, tomorrow I might want to be rich.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 10:11 AM :: 1 comments

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Monday, November 07, 2005



My posts for awhile will probably have a lot of stuff about Brandon because he is consuming my thoughts lately. When I talk about him he feels closer to me.

Today is quite possibly a good day for Brandon without him even knowning it.

Brandon's best friend Jimi moved to New Zealand this summer. For those of you that don't know, Jimi was Brandon's bass player. This has put Brandon in quite a funk. He's been depressed since the move. I just got word from Jimi that he's coming home Dec. 14 to Jan. 26.

This poses a complicated situation. I have no idea when Brandon will be home. Brandon will go ballistic if he hears that Jimi is home for a visit and he can't see him and will obviously feel very betrayed if no one tells him. But Jimi leaving was such a fragile situation for Brandon I'm worried that this will really distract Brandon and setback his treatment. I told Jimi that if Brandon can't come home for a visit during Jimi's stay and if they allow it I will bring Jimi with me to Houston to visit Brandon. I'll have to rent a hall or something so they can jam for 5 days straight. Otherwise, we'd get kicked out of the hotel room. LOL I'm very excited to bring Brandon such good news but it also worries me greatly. This is where input from the counselor will be helpful.

I can't help but picture not telling Brandon and just showing up with Jimi and seeing the look on Brandon's face. I couldn't give the kid a better Christmas present in my lifetime. But, then we have to deal with Jimi leaving again. :-(

If Brandon was doing well it wouldn't be such a ordeal to organize visits but Brandon still isn't eating and it's been 9 days of this. When asked why he won't eat all we hear is, "I don't know." I'm too scared to ask how much weight he's lost. And there are already threats of a tube going down his throat if he doesn't start eating.

I'm not sure why I'm doing okay these past few days. I've been sick but I've been handling things pretty well. It's been a few days since I've cried. Before it was a few times a day heavy tears came. I know I'm not done crying but at least I feel like I can control it better. Last night with Brandon's old friends I did warn them that I might cry talking about him. They said that was okay and that they had a few rough months too. I only had one moment where I almost started but I was able to control it. It's incredible how those little healing signs mean so much when you've been reduced feeling destitute. That alone makes me feel so much better and stronger. I was getting scared before because I couldn't go anywhere without something reminding me and making me cry. I knew I couldn't keep functioning the way I was for the last few weeks. I'm sure I'll still have my moments but it's better and that's all I can ask for right now.

Medical records were reviewed today and there is confirmation of a certain gene connection on his father's side that can explain a great deal of this. A setback in my mind. I've been praying for a misdiagnosis and I can't pray for that anymore. Now it's time to move forward and focus on recovery. I'm sure the clinic will be pleased to not have to answer my doubtful questions anymore. The next step for me is searching for support groups because I definitely need one! I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm not ready to hear of new worries I haven't thought of yet that can be tied with this illness. I'm comfortable right now in this detached state.

It's amazing to me how the body and brain works when you are under a great deal of grief. It's really very interesting. Your body will actually decide it can't handle any more and just shut down for awhile for you.

Emotions like fear or sadness cause the release of adrenaline into your bloodstream. That shuts down many body functions so you can focus on handling your crisis. Your body will prioritize functions, handing the most critical and delaying some regular functions that are not life threatening at the time. During the crisis digestion and other regular body functions may stop. I think it stops your emotions when they are too intense also.

The numbness feels peaceful and overdue but I trust that it will all come and be dealt with when time is right. I can sense it because I feel so much better than I did before. And I was doubting if that was possible.

So this blog is starting to work for me. I am not trying to entertain the reader but moreso write for myself and vent. Not caring if it's interesting or not. :-)

Yay, thanks David!

I'm still sick but today it wasn't as bad as the last few days. I wonder if I'm sick because of the body shutting down. I can tell my body isn't operating like it should be. And it's irritated at something. lol

For the first time in weeks I look forward to tomorrow.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 11:02 PM :: 0 comments

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B and I in Houston

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 6:56 PM :: 0 comments

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Hi everyone

I have no idea who everyone is since no one knows of this blogs existence. Well, for future "bloggers" Welcome to my Realm. Fasten your seatbelts since it's No Holds Barred from here on out.

I plan on treating this "blog" (very funny word to me) as a diary of sorts, a venting ground, my place to release and regain the sanity. And, if my friends are interested... A way for them to know me better.

For me I find these blogs quite narcissistic. Even now as I type I wonder who the hell is going to be so interested in hearing me ramble about my woes, joys and the utter confusion my lovely little mind creates for itself. We shall see.

My friend David turned me onto this "blogging" because I have a lot going on in my life right now and I've always been one to feel healthier if I write.

Writing makes me feel in touch with myself. When I write I discover my true inner feelings which gives me a sense of self and ultimately I become one with my goal... Confidence in what I believe, think and want. More importantly it helps me to vent some of the energy I have for being passionate about everything I encounter. Which can make you mad with insanity if you don't get it out. My own cosmos. If you don't understand what I just said your left minded... LOL... And that's okay. I don't know if I'll achieve that here as I sense possible future eyes but I'll do my best.

One thing I'd like to say is if you take the time to read this stuff then you better comment! I'll start feeling weird if I bear my soul and I don't even get feedback! That's the ticket to admission... Feedback. :-) Actually, I just am narcissistic myself and want to hear what you folks have to say about ME. heh


Okay, here's my day today.

I slept in until 10a.m.! I didn't get extra sleep because I went to bed very late last night but even the fact that I COULD sleep until my clock said 10a.m. was nice.

I ( you guys are really going to see how boring my life is now haha) went to find something to wash. I've been enjoying doing laundry lately and am actually looking for things to wash. So I grabbed a quilt and then find that I did so much wash lately that I broke the spinner dealie on my washer! No spin. If the repair men were cute I wouldn't mind so much but why are they always those old bald watermelon bellied guys that come to do service at your home?

I then looked at my backyard because someone who is very sweet mowed my yard for me. That made me smile. And I'd like to add he IS cute. Watching him mow was fun.

Later in the day I went to purchase the John Lennon Box set for my son. Which he's going to love and I'm really excited about. I also bought a Bob Dylan and a Cracker CD. I called my son. My phone call with him today was nice. Aside from him telling me I have the power to bring him home and he would like that to happen. I don't think he'll ever know or be able to imagine how much stress I'm under and how much my heart is breaking for him. My good friends know and to all of you... Thank you for being there for me during this part of my life that is a segment of hell.

At some point today I started feeling quite ill. So I decided to take a nap. Then my daughter came home waking me up and then the doorbell rang. I looked like hell and was quite embarrassed because it was someone I do like to look good for. :-) Short visit, then Meghan and I went to my mother's house. There feeling sick got worse. I started blacking out. I sat for awhile with my head down to try and make it go away. Then I came home and went to bed again. The doorbell rang again! (I guess it wasn't my day to sleep) It was a nice surprise though. A few of my son's old friends, Nick and Danny, came over to, well, I don't quite know why. Maybe to check on me, see how Brandon was doing, a part of me felt like they wanted to just connect with something related to Brandon. I notice quite a few of his friends do that. They miss him and so they call me or come over. I do the same to them. It's nice to talk to someone who misses him as much as I. And miss the same things about him as I do.

It was so nice to see these kids as they always felt like my kids too. It was so weird to have them DRIVE to my house. So we sat for about an hour and talked about how cool Brandon was, how sad things were and old funny stories. They told me about how a football teammate died just awhile ago and how they have had a bad few months too. I said, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could just go to LazerQuest and make it all better that used to work when we were sad" I would often take all the boys to LazerQuest if they lost a basketball game because they would get so stinkin depressed about it. LOL Problems were so easy to fix when they were little.

B will be so happy to know they are thinking about him. And I have a message to tell Brandon that he needs to call them right when he gets back. And I'm personally thrilled about that because these are good boys and Brandon will need the support when he comes back home.

There was a part of me that was so sad when they were standing in my kitchen. My mind often does this sort of thing to me. I started thinking about how big they were and the time that has passed and now we barely see them and Brandon is 1200 miles away struggling terribly. Who would know. When things are so good and happy you never think it will change. Life is always changing things on us. And I don't adjust to change well!!! I hate this right now, I hate where things are at. I hate that my son feels he lost friends he thought he could count on forever. I hate that he hurts right now. I hate that I can't protect him from the pains of life. I feel more of a need to protect B than my other children. Probably because I've always known Brandon has one of those gentle sweet compassionate souls that is older than his life years but still in infancy with vulnerability. He thinks everyone is like him, trust the world and then feel betrayed, scorned and shocked when he discovers the world isn't as beautiful as his heart is. Innocence just died and part of him died right along with it. Sorta reminds me of someone else I know. I am beginning to not like it. It's painful. When does the term innocence cruely morph into naiveness?

I haven't written in so long, it's going to take me awhile to make some sense. We hope!

Anyway, back to my visit something healed for me when they came over. I was angry that they weren't there for Brandon and they proved me wrong.

Before they left they showed me B's Zanga because at one time Brandon posted some of songs on it. So later in the evening I opened the Zanga and found this post. "B, I know where you can get the stuff you wanted, call me" I ask Meghan if she has heard of this person's name and it ends up being the 16 year old sister of Meghan's friend! And I know her father quite well. I went to this girls webpage and it's full of pictures of coke, razor blades and pills. So I called her father and told him he might want to check out it out. He was appreciative but the daughter wasn't,obviously. I get a call from the dagger ( she was at her mom's house) and she's the most rude obnoxious girl I've ever heard. Yelling and swearing at me. Wow ( the story is longer but that's a synopsis of it) I just told her it was a parental matter and if B would have oded we would have a more serious issue on our hands and she should think about that before she gets herself in the middle of a situation like that. I probably shouldn't have called but I know her father and I told him I wished someone would have called me 6 months ago and told me about my son.

So that ended the evening on a sour note. And, here I am. Still sick and waiting to get my house toilet papered. LOL

Ciao

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 1:38 PM :: 2 comments

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