Friday, December 30, 2005

I can never promise the viewers of this blog organization. I just don't have the energy to try and put my mind on paper and then edit. I'm more concerned about what I'm writing about and finding what I'm looking for in myself.

I suppose it just depends on the reason why I happen to writing at that particular moment. Which will affect the way I write. Sometimes it's simply to report various events that are going on in my life. Other times something may be really bothering me and I vent. Which will include temporary feelings of that particular moment but not necessarily relate to my belief system. Or that particular trouble comes out in text as a reflection of something else in my life. That's usually when I'm trying to grasp growth from something I've experienced. A lot of times just a song will bring my mind on a journey and my emotions will surface. Those thoughts will float all over the place. At times I even add little personal message to various people which I'm sure makes no sense to anyone else. That is sorta fun actually. LOL But, basically I write to visually see what I'm thinking about moreso than telling a story.

My last blog entry was based off a song that made me think about things in my life and things in the lives of people I care about. When I touched that thought as close as I can it lead me to think about other things. The Audioslave song really brought me on a journey of self reflection of things I've learned and things I'm currently learning. I spent much time between paragraphs thinking, re listening to my song of choice at the moment and reflecting.

I suppose after I randomly wrote my thoughts down I could have gone back and organized it but why? For me it served it's purpose already.

So a bit of reporting here. My trip to Houston...

Being in a hotel over Christmas seemed so cold to me. To fix that M and I bought a bunch of Christmas lights, festive garland, a little tree, a huge bow for our hotel door. By the time we were done I'm sure housekeeping was surprised they were still in the hotel when they entered our room. We got a free room upgrade for a suite so one entire side of the room was floor to ceiling windows. We had lights hanging over that which reflected in the window and looked really cool. When B came in the room Christmas Eve his "WOW" made it all worth it.

One thing that made our trip humorous was someone left a thingie-ma-jiggie under the passenger seat of our rental car that would yell obscenities to us whenever we went over a bump or changed lanes on the highway. It took us three days to figure out where the "f-u, eat sh*t, you're an a-hole" comments were coming from.

M swears we need to be one of those reality families on T.V. because she thinks our family is goofy enough and have enough humorous things transpire that it would be hilarious. LOL We always seem to have bizarre or funny stories going on around here. This whole car swearing thing would have been a riot to have our reactions and commentary recorded. At one point I almost pulled over on the highway because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the road because tears were fogging up my vision. That situation alone made the trip memorable.

B was so grateful for us going there for him. I think he was surprised at the effort we made to make Christmas special there. Why it surprised him I don't know because I usually do those sorts of things. Christmas Day he was moody which put a kink in our events but we cleared the situation up and had a great following day together.

We found an awesome designer store called Duo at the Galleria Mall. B got some awesome clothes there. Very rocker style. Luckily we got all his last minute Christmas shopping done there. He's definitely styling now.

There is a new kid there and his Dad produced Billy Joel so B is all revved about having someone there he can talk to and buddy up with.

Meghan and I had a great time together. I'm really glad she came with me. We have had quite the opportunity to bond in the last few months and this trip only strengthened that. She came on the trip with a load of holiday cash and had quite a shopping trip herself. She's out of her mind about owning a pair of designer jeans from Duo also. As for myself, I was quite proud, I didn't buy myself anything. I did see a zillion things I would have liked to own though.

A few thing during our trip that struck me as odd. B seemed to feel guilty over every little thing. For example were at a store and I told him to pick out some cds for himself. He reluctantly gives me one cd and appears uncomfortable. I ask him what's wrong and he says, "I feel bad because you are spending money on the cd" M and I look at each other like, is he for real? I say B it's Christmas I think I can handle a $13.00 purchase. He just couldn't get over it. Then on Christmas Eve he was exceptionally nice to Meghan which really was uncomfortable for me because I'm not use to it... LOL... I ask what's up and he says, "I just feel bad that you guys had to come here for Christmas and I took Christmas away." He still seems to carry way too many worries and guilt.

He also had no confidence in himself for making even the simplest decisions it seems. While driving he would suggest certain ways to drive or places to go and he says, "I feel like I'm making bad decisions" Crazy part was he was correct everytime he suggested something. That bothered me because if anything he should be gaining confidence in himself not losing it. Maybe it's just that he is exceptionally aware of how every decision he makes has an effect and he's thinking about it too much.

For this child's entire life I always known why he liked or disliked certain things. Why things make him laugh or feel sad. I don't think I've ever known someone better in my entire life than the way I know B. To practically know the persons thoughts before he says them is an incredible bond. So now all the sudden he's learning new things that I'm unaware of and he's reacting differently and I'm looking at him like, "who are you". It's just weird for me. Just part of that letting go bit that parents eventually need to face.

There was a moment in our relationship together that I'll never forget because for me it marked the ending of a part of our relationship together. When he was around 14 he got sick and I knew he was really miserable because he was laying on the couch and said, "Mom, I feel really sick will you snuggle by me?" I couldn't believe I heard him say this, this kid would barely let me hug for the last few years. He was too cool and independent for motherly affection. I held him, rubbed his forehead as I often did when he was little and sick. I felt like I had one more tender moment with my little boy. While snuggling with him I really stayed in moment with him because I knew this was probably the last time he'd ever let me baby him again. Our continually changing relationship just reminds me how life is always changing and to hold onto those wonderful moments with the people you love while those moments in time exist.

I just got news that B will come home for a visit January 7th to the 11th. Discharge date is scheduled for January 19th. This trip should be hard for him because Jimi will be here. Lots of activity he isn't used to, a lot of music making crammed into 4 days. They are trying to get a demo cd out soon and I have a feeling they are going to try and get as much done as possible in 4 days. It will be difficult trying to keep things going slow yet understanding his desire to get in as much time with Jimi as possible.
Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 10:30 PM :: 0 comments

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