Release The Sanity

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Anyone who actively reads my blog should really just skip reading it until the holidays are over. It's depressing right now. And, this particular post doesn't have anything positive in it. Sorry. Just for information purposes I am going to Houston with M over the Christmas Holiday.

Holidays usually put me in a very good mood but this year holidays are an emotional struggle.

I'm wrapping Christmas presents right now. I put on Christmas music to get me in the mood. Trans Siberian Orchestra has fantastic electrifying Christmas music, by the way. It was working. I was having fun making my presents look pretty with my handmade bows. I decided to take a break and check my email.

A very evil person from my past, penned Jackalope for this blog, decided to email me about some court papers he's having me served with this week. The court date is January 3rd. To try and change our custody agreement. He got wind of something going on with B. I'm going to be gone over Christmas and I can't even imagine hiring a lawyer, getting a defense together over the holidays. I believe the timing of this was very intentional and very nasty. Go figure. So, that was upsetting. I decided to not worry about it right now and get back to my wrapping even though I couldn't shake being upset about it.

A few more presents done and I get to one of B's presents. That was too much for me with everything else going on. Tears are falling while wrapping it. I'm thinking about all our past Christmas years together. Back when things were okay. How we would have never imagined this happening to him in a few years. How things will ( at least right now I feel this way) never be the same again. To make matters worse the song B performed last year for the Christmas Eve church service comes on and really puts me in a crying episode. I keep thinking, "This can't be happening. How can this be real?" What can I do, how can I help him and how can I get jackalope to back off because I seriously can't deal with the crap he conviently is throwing my way right now. It's just too much. I can't fall apart if for nothing else for B and M and T. But, I'm about to. I have come to coping terms with B's situation but barely... I just can't add more to the pile right now. I'm also worried about my mom because she had triple bypass heart surgery last year and I know this is so difficult for her to cope with also. She was in more denial than myself and just this week she is facing reality so I'm getting lots of sad calls from her. The last thing she needs is the stress.

The last thing anyone needs is stress and I don't get why this guy lives for stress. He in the truest sense is a cancer that feeds off my happiness.

I thought about going to church tonight. I changed my mind because I think if I went I would really fall apart there. I don't trust myself to keep myself together. I pray at home but I really feel this need to go to church. I think I need to call a friend of mine and have him come visit. He's in the seminary and knows my children very well, he babysat them for quite a few years. Maybe he can help me. All I know is I need help. I've been putting off visiting NAMI because then I REALLY have to face this. I also am scared of seeing the people there. I don't want to see examples of what could be. Problem is the information I get there could be very helpful. These are the things I should be thinking about right now NOT JACKALOPE, LAWYERS, RETAINER FEES AND EXTRA STRESS.

I'm too drained to feel angry but I know somewhere inside me there is anger over this court thing. This is why I kept everything with B private from the jackalope. It's only an opportunity for him. There is no compassion or good will with him in any situation. It's all just opportunity, hit when the opponent is weak. He's a fighter and he knows when to strike. If the jackalope was that concerned about T's well being then he would have participated in her counseling. He didn't show up once while I've been taking her weekly for 9 months. Both the counselor and I have asked him to participate every other week. Plus, he lost his job. I don't get how he thinks he can take her more since he's been jobless for two months.
Plus, if B were to find out something regarding himself made jackalope rise from the pits of .... again and cause us problems it would devastate him. I obviously have no intention of telling him but I'm sure eventually he'll figure it something out.

Okay, I vented a bit. I feel a little better, I guess. Back to present wrapping and throwing a zillion lights on this stupid huge tree I got. I thought B was coming home and I wanted to make it really nice and now I really regret getting this tree. A Charlie Brown tree would have been enough since events changed.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 9:11 PM :: 3 comments