Release The Sanity

Monday, November 07, 2005

My posts for awhile will probably have a lot of stuff about Brandon because he is consuming my thoughts lately. When I talk about him he feels closer to me.

Today is quite possibly a good day for Brandon without him even knowning it.

Brandon's best friend Jimi moved to New Zealand this summer. For those of you that don't know, Jimi was Brandon's bass player. This has put Brandon in quite a funk. He's been depressed since the move. I just got word from Jimi that he's coming home Dec. 14 to Jan. 26.

This poses a complicated situation. I have no idea when Brandon will be home. Brandon will go ballistic if he hears that Jimi is home for a visit and he can't see him and will obviously feel very betrayed if no one tells him. But Jimi leaving was such a fragile situation for Brandon I'm worried that this will really distract Brandon and setback his treatment. I told Jimi that if Brandon can't come home for a visit during Jimi's stay and if they allow it I will bring Jimi with me to Houston to visit Brandon. I'll have to rent a hall or something so they can jam for 5 days straight. Otherwise, we'd get kicked out of the hotel room. LOL I'm very excited to bring Brandon such good news but it also worries me greatly. This is where input from the counselor will be helpful.

I can't help but picture not telling Brandon and just showing up with Jimi and seeing the look on Brandon's face. I couldn't give the kid a better Christmas present in my lifetime. But, then we have to deal with Jimi leaving again. :-(

If Brandon was doing well it wouldn't be such a ordeal to organize visits but Brandon still isn't eating and it's been 9 days of this. When asked why he won't eat all we hear is, "I don't know." I'm too scared to ask how much weight he's lost. And there are already threats of a tube going down his throat if he doesn't start eating.

I'm not sure why I'm doing okay these past few days. I've been sick but I've been handling things pretty well. It's been a few days since I've cried. Before it was a few times a day heavy tears came. I know I'm not done crying but at least I feel like I can control it better. Last night with Brandon's old friends I did warn them that I might cry talking about him. They said that was okay and that they had a few rough months too. I only had one moment where I almost started but I was able to control it. It's incredible how those little healing signs mean so much when you've been reduced feeling destitute. That alone makes me feel so much better and stronger. I was getting scared before because I couldn't go anywhere without something reminding me and making me cry. I knew I couldn't keep functioning the way I was for the last few weeks. I'm sure I'll still have my moments but it's better and that's all I can ask for right now.

Medical records were reviewed today and there is confirmation of a certain gene connection on his father's side that can explain a great deal of this. A setback in my mind. I've been praying for a misdiagnosis and I can't pray for that anymore. Now it's time to move forward and focus on recovery. I'm sure the clinic will be pleased to not have to answer my doubtful questions anymore. The next step for me is searching for support groups because I definitely need one! I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm not ready to hear of new worries I haven't thought of yet that can be tied with this illness. I'm comfortable right now in this detached state.

It's amazing to me how the body and brain works when you are under a great deal of grief. It's really very interesting. Your body will actually decide it can't handle any more and just shut down for awhile for you.

Emotions like fear or sadness cause the release of adrenaline into your bloodstream. That shuts down many body functions so you can focus on handling your crisis. Your body will prioritize functions, handing the most critical and delaying some regular functions that are not life threatening at the time. During the crisis digestion and other regular body functions may stop. I think it stops your emotions when they are too intense also.

The numbness feels peaceful and overdue but I trust that it will all come and be dealt with when time is right. I can sense it because I feel so much better than I did before. And I was doubting if that was possible.

So this blog is starting to work for me. I am not trying to entertain the reader but moreso write for myself and vent. Not caring if it's interesting or not. :-)

Yay, thanks David!

I'm still sick but today it wasn't as bad as the last few days. I wonder if I'm sick because of the body shutting down. I can tell my body isn't operating like it should be. And it's irritated at something. lol

For the first time in weeks I look forward to tomorrow.

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 11:02 PM :: 0 comments