Release The Sanity

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I really enjoyed the comments made in regard to my "hope" entry. Thank you for posting those. Always keep me thinking.

"the picture of the forest moves me to feel happy if I notice the sunlight"
I think the most important word in that statement is "if". Because sometimes you need to be active in your hope. You need to choose to see it. I really liked that point. "If" you are willing to see the light. Many times I have to think for awhile to find it because I do seek to see the light throughout my life.

That's part of why the last few months have been so incredibly hard for me. No matter which angle I viewed I just couldn't find something positive in it. Now I can and it's nice to be comfortable with myself again.

"(When)My hope is simply gone.I am able to find endless quantities of hope for others. I wonder if that's a disfunction..."
Could that be the depression that comes along with it, usually right after the loss of hope?

I think it's really important to understand these sorts of things, how we individually function and how we are affected by various things. What makes us tick? If we know when the time is wrong we can correct it. For myself, when I understand something I can usually work with it better and apply it accordingly.

"When I have no hope, I am in the shadows and do not want to see the sun. It is too bright. It hurts. It wounds. External stimulation is overwhelming and unwelcome."
That explains me well when I'm in a funk. Something I am trying to get away from because I wasn't always like that.

For the majority of my life I would go to friends and family when I needed them the most. I struggle with not wanting to bother people with my problems. I notice since my last relationship I tend to shut them out when I need them most. It's easier for me to be there for someone else than let them be there for me. This is a huge issue for me lately. Letting people in. Especially new people that I don't know. I seem to have gone from one extreme to the next.

I feel different in some way, many ways. I don't like it. I was always comfortable with who I was and how I was. I'm not anymore because I'm so guarded that I don't recognize myself. It's all based on trust. The different me. Newbies are not welcomed. Did I have blind faith before and was just shocked when reasons for distrust came? Or, is it really about feeling like it's practically impossible to find someone that you truly completely trust?

Right at the beginning can you trust? My experience for a good part of my life would say yes. My experience in the last 10 years, ah no. My heart just can't take it. So frickin cliche. But here I am. I always had so much faith in people and I've lost a good part of that. How do I get that back? Blindly trust and take the chance? Slowly let people in? That is the ticket. And, know when to bail! lol I don't think I'm good at knowing the proper balance with slowly letting someone in. I either have a welcome mat laid out letting them in without question or shut them out before they even have a chance. I could get a few years of therapy to make it better, or I could just meet a really nice trusting sincere guy to prove me wrong. I want the easy way out, where's the guy to prove me wrong? LOL

But, seriously you always see those little cute candles or plaques that say... HOPE-TRUST-LOVE-PEACE I actually have two of these candles in japanese myself. I would like to get to the point of seeing those words and a smile naturally forms on my face instead of hiding those candles behind a hoard of clothes so I can't see them. I think I need to pay more attention to those words and start with giving those words a chance again. A good place to start I guess.

I have been throwing around the idea of going to school for nursing and/or psychology. For one, I need to go to school eventually. Secondly, if my son ever needs future care I would like to have some sense of knowledge about it. There's a part of me that feels very uncomfortable saying this. I more picture myself being a philanthropist but unfortuantely I don't have the funds to donate and just running around loving the world and trying to make it better won't make people start throwing pay checks at me. But, some sort of philanthropist work would really make me happy. The one thing I have always known since I was little is I "have" to do something that makes me feel like I've made a difference. It doesn't have to be huge but A difference. So I'm still a bit unsure.

Regrets. I can't get caught up in the regrets or I lose today. I have to remember that.

This blog is bringing me back closer to me. I want me back. I really do like me.

Healing powers of music.

Right on sister! When I read that I instantly remembered all these times of you singing. It made me miss you. Get your arse here for a weekend visit! I know you were planning to and I wasn't ready. I'm ready! I'm ready! It would be great to see you. I miss the yearly ritual weekend of lounging, talking and no bras for complete comfort. Did we have other rules? I don't remember.

Dang, maybe you can teach B a few things about singing! He's a sponge with that sort of thing, wants to learn as much as he can. As I remember, you are pretty good.

Also expect a call from me next Wed. at 8:30 a.m. Darcie. Love ya!

And remember..."Everyone is in the sunlight"

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 3:00 PM :: 0 comments