Release The Sanity

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I had a surprise phone call around midnight last night. A dear old friend that I haven't seen in awhile called. Normally I'd be less than thrilled at getting a midnight call to hang out but he's a musician so I understand his lifestyle. His ongoing joke is "I never rise before the break of noon". Considering that I thought he was in Vegas I was thrilled to see him.

Neither of us wanted to go out so Chris and I hung out at my house and talked for about an hour and a half. We listened to a few songs he's recording that aren't finished yet. Then we watched "Sid and Nancy" which took us into the wee hours of the morning. Sid and Nancy is the story of Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols and his girlfriend Nancy.

My close friends seem to check in with me at a time of need. Most of my lifelong friends live across the nation. I don't know how they manage to have such good timing with these things. I've always thought that was bizarre how I won't see someone for a year and the moment my life gets pretty rough they magically appear. A little miracle I'm always appreciative of.

To say the least I am tired today! I just got done making grilled peanut butter, jelly and marshmallow sandwiches. (another delight from Emerils kids cookbook) Now I'm boiling eggs because Trinity's other pick was egg salad sandwiches. Which I need to spice up a bit by adding pita bread and toasted sunflower seeds.

I still have headaches. Going on 8 days now of them. I really dread the idea of going to the doctor but that might need to happen if these headaches are still going on by Monday.

I'm looking forward to my phone call tomorrow morning with Brandon. I'm curious how he sounds and the things he chooses to talk about now that he's been on this medication for awhile. Last Wed. was really tough because he had to tell me what his issues are and it took 45 minutes of silence for him to actually speak the words. He feels shame and fear of things changing. Things I'm not sure how to handle with him quite yet.

Usually when something is rough I can find the positive in even the worst of situations and use it as a growing experience. I'm unable to do that with this one. So I feel lost and helpless myself. I hope in educating myself I can have a more positive attitude but right now I just can't imagine what the hell is possibly positive about this. I don't think anyone deserves a "growing experience" like this. For the first time in my years with Brandon I fear questions he may ask of me. Questions I can't answer or guidance I can't give. I'm still struggling with denial myself, something I can't let Brandon know. I guess for now I just have to focus on helping him to realize this wasn't his fault in anyway. What a feeble attempt of support. I want and need to be able to give him more than that. That "strong" support really feels pathetic right now.

I wonder if I'm reduced to that. Just being grateful that he isn't dying. I mean, usually when something sucks I think "hey, this didn't happen or that didn't happen. It could be worse. Be grateful THAT what you read in the paper didn't happen to you" And the only thing I can think of which would be worse would be death. And that reality alone makes me realize how serious this is. Then I think, "what the hell, this isn't real, this isn't happening and they don't know what they are talking about" I want slip back into denial then.

Someone said to me the other day, "Would Brandon be any different if he lost a leg" Ah, NO! And this isn't even comparable to losing a leg. At this point who cares about a missing leg? I said I'd rather lose both my legs and arms then deal with what Brandon is dealing with right now. It's so easy to say stuff like that when it's not happening to you.

After panicking like I just was I think to myself... Calm down! For all I know Brandon could take his meds and be perfectly fine the rest of his life. I am realizing what is driving me crazy is the great unknown. I don't know what to expect. Plus, I don't know to what degree he has this disease. From the sound of it it's on the milder scale. But, I just don't really know.

I don't even want to write anymore. I am so uncomfortable feeling so negative. I'm really struggling with my comfort of always thinking of the positive and coming out ahead of something negative. Being this way is not comfortable for me.

A friend said to me the other day, "You are the strongest woman I know, you always have been" I've been told that many times but you know what? Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I need someone to carry me and tell me it's going to be alright. When you feel like you always have to be strong it makes you weaker inside sometimes because you ignore your needs to cry, mourn... Just buck up and be strong. Maybe I need to guard down and let someone take care of me for once.

"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier"- The Killers

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 12:03 PM :: 1 comments