Release The Sanity

Monday, November 07, 2005

Hi everyone

I have no idea who everyone is since no one knows of this blogs existence. Well, for future "bloggers" Welcome to my Realm. Fasten your seatbelts since it's No Holds Barred from here on out.

I plan on treating this "blog" (very funny word to me) as a diary of sorts, a venting ground, my place to release and regain the sanity. And, if my friends are interested... A way for them to know me better.

For me I find these blogs quite narcissistic. Even now as I type I wonder who the hell is going to be so interested in hearing me ramble about my woes, joys and the utter confusion my lovely little mind creates for itself. We shall see.

My friend David turned me onto this "blogging" because I have a lot going on in my life right now and I've always been one to feel healthier if I write.

Writing makes me feel in touch with myself. When I write I discover my true inner feelings which gives me a sense of self and ultimately I become one with my goal... Confidence in what I believe, think and want. More importantly it helps me to vent some of the energy I have for being passionate about everything I encounter. Which can make you mad with insanity if you don't get it out. My own cosmos. If you don't understand what I just said your left minded... LOL... And that's okay. I don't know if I'll achieve that here as I sense possible future eyes but I'll do my best.

One thing I'd like to say is if you take the time to read this stuff then you better comment! I'll start feeling weird if I bear my soul and I don't even get feedback! That's the ticket to admission... Feedback. :-) Actually, I just am narcissistic myself and want to hear what you folks have to say about ME. heh

Okay, here's my day today.

I slept in until 10a.m.! I didn't get extra sleep because I went to bed very late last night but even the fact that I COULD sleep until my clock said 10a.m. was nice.

I ( you guys are really going to see how boring my life is now haha) went to find something to wash. I've been enjoying doing laundry lately and am actually looking for things to wash. So I grabbed a quilt and then find that I did so much wash lately that I broke the spinner dealie on my washer! No spin. If the repair men were cute I wouldn't mind so much but why are they always those old bald watermelon bellied guys that come to do service at your home?

I then looked at my backyard because someone who is very sweet mowed my yard for me. That made me smile. And I'd like to add he IS cute. Watching him mow was fun.

Later in the day I went to purchase the John Lennon Box set for my son. Which he's going to love and I'm really excited about. I also bought a Bob Dylan and a Cracker CD. I called my son. My phone call with him today was nice. Aside from him telling me I have the power to bring him home and he would like that to happen. I don't think he'll ever know or be able to imagine how much stress I'm under and how much my heart is breaking for him. My good friends know and to all of you... Thank you for being there for me during this part of my life that is a segment of hell.

At some point today I started feeling quite ill. So I decided to take a nap. Then my daughter came home waking me up and then the doorbell rang. I looked like hell and was quite embarrassed because it was someone I do like to look good for. :-) Short visit, then Meghan and I went to my mother's house. There feeling sick got worse. I started blacking out. I sat for awhile with my head down to try and make it go away. Then I came home and went to bed again. The doorbell rang again! (I guess it wasn't my day to sleep) It was a nice surprise though. A few of my son's old friends, Nick and Danny, came over to, well, I don't quite know why. Maybe to check on me, see how Brandon was doing, a part of me felt like they wanted to just connect with something related to Brandon. I notice quite a few of his friends do that. They miss him and so they call me or come over. I do the same to them. It's nice to talk to someone who misses him as much as I. And miss the same things about him as I do.

It was so nice to see these kids as they always felt like my kids too. It was so weird to have them DRIVE to my house. So we sat for about an hour and talked about how cool Brandon was, how sad things were and old funny stories. They told me about how a football teammate died just awhile ago and how they have had a bad few months too. I said, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could just go to LazerQuest and make it all better that used to work when we were sad" I would often take all the boys to LazerQuest if they lost a basketball game because they would get so stinkin depressed about it. LOL Problems were so easy to fix when they were little.

B will be so happy to know they are thinking about him. And I have a message to tell Brandon that he needs to call them right when he gets back. And I'm personally thrilled about that because these are good boys and Brandon will need the support when he comes back home.

There was a part of me that was so sad when they were standing in my kitchen. My mind often does this sort of thing to me. I started thinking about how big they were and the time that has passed and now we barely see them and Brandon is 1200 miles away struggling terribly. Who would know. When things are so good and happy you never think it will change. Life is always changing things on us. And I don't adjust to change well!!! I hate this right now, I hate where things are at. I hate that my son feels he lost friends he thought he could count on forever. I hate that he hurts right now. I hate that I can't protect him from the pains of life. I feel more of a need to protect B than my other children. Probably because I've always known Brandon has one of those gentle sweet compassionate souls that is older than his life years but still in infancy with vulnerability. He thinks everyone is like him, trust the world and then feel betrayed, scorned and shocked when he discovers the world isn't as beautiful as his heart is. Innocence just died and part of him died right along with it. Sorta reminds me of someone else I know. I am beginning to not like it. It's painful. When does the term innocence cruely morph into naiveness?

I haven't written in so long, it's going to take me awhile to make some sense. We hope!

Anyway, back to my visit something healed for me when they came over. I was angry that they weren't there for Brandon and they proved me wrong.

Before they left they showed me B's Zanga because at one time Brandon posted some of songs on it. So later in the evening I opened the Zanga and found this post. "B, I know where you can get the stuff you wanted, call me" I ask Meghan if she has heard of this person's name and it ends up being the 16 year old sister of Meghan's friend! And I know her father quite well. I went to this girls webpage and it's full of pictures of coke, razor blades and pills. So I called her father and told him he might want to check out it out. He was appreciative but the daughter wasn't,obviously. I get a call from the dagger ( she was at her mom's house) and she's the most rude obnoxious girl I've ever heard. Yelling and swearing at me. Wow ( the story is longer but that's a synopsis of it) I just told her it was a parental matter and if B would have oded we would have a more serious issue on our hands and she should think about that before she gets herself in the middle of a situation like that. I probably shouldn't have called but I know her father and I told him I wished someone would have called me 6 months ago and told me about my son.

So that ended the evening on a sour note. And, here I am. Still sick and waiting to get my house toilet papered. LOL

Ciao

Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 1:38 PM :: 2 comments