Sunday, November 27, 2005

Do you ever find yourself being one way around someone and different way around someone else? I most certainly do. Why is that?

(I will take two people I know well and give an idea of how I feel around each of those people. The first, I feel like I'm beautiful. I'm amazing. ( not sure why but I don't question, I just believe) It's cool that I can dance. I'm sweet. I'm sexy. I'm great to be with. I'm intriguing. I'm smart. I'm unique. The second, I'm a liar, I'm not worthy of being respected. I'm selfish. I use people. I'm an Indian giver. And bla bla bla a bunch of other things) I feel exactly like each of those people around those people. )By the way, person number two is a jack-a-lope. heh

My thoughts...

For myself I feel the way the person around me makes me feel. I suppose that makes me a reactor. I have the ability to be very outgoing or sly even to slowly ease people into my world, the world of me. My humor, my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, everything that makes me. But, even still overall I am a reactor. I suppose to some degree we all are. And to what degree? What the hell am I talking about you wonder. I'm talking about our vulnerabilities and the level our risk taking goes. And that is what I'm frustrated with right now. And I don't have it figured out in my head so this might not make much sense.

I am talking about that time when you were 14 and you heard someone call you a bad name and whenever you were around that person you felt like you were what that person called you. Or, the times someone told you that you were beautiful and you felt absolutely beautiful whenever that person was present. Or, the time someone told you that you were strong, or weak, or amazing or a liar. It's incredible how someone's words can have such an influence on how you feel around them. Or if it goes far enough that you question yourself. Or if it goes far enough that you believe it when even deep in your heart you know it isn't true. So many lines to cross, so many distances you can go. All vulnerability you expose. And retract, and re expose. I feel like I'm always playing this game of how much do I show? How much do I risk? How much of myself do I give?

Just today I was talking with a 15 year old kid, my son's bass player, he sent me over a new acoustic solo he created with the warning of "how stupid it was". My response to him was, "Isn't it amazing when we create something how insecure we are about it. Even if we know it's good" He said, "God, yes. I do it all the time" I said, "Everytime I write and I choose to share it with someone I have this huge fear race over me. A fear that they will think it's stupid or crazy or they will think differently of me in some way, in some negative way. Only when I get that seal of approval do I then feel okay again." ( clarifying that I do not in any way see my writing as art, just a form that I choose to express myself) He said, "How can that be? I'm only 15 I don't know what is good and what is not. You do. Doesn't your age, your experience tell you" My answer was exactly the topic I'm trying to hit here right now. My answer was this, "No, it's not different. Because many adults ignore their feelings. So if I go deeper than they are comfortable with I become vulnerable to whatever their reaction may be"

Kids are innocent, vulnerable. They don't know better. They don't know many times that they are exposing themselves. That they will be hurt by this at some point, some day, in some way. They fly into experiences and relationships unguarded and open to deep experiences simply by the lack of knowledge. We adults know this fear, and I believe, many of us shut down, ignore certain feelings, become more robotic, our answers are more logistical than emotional. That's why to me children are so precious, the innocent. They are the most real people walking this earth. It's more of the adults I think that have a problem.

So how many times has someone asked you the customary question, "How are you today" And you answered with, "Oh just fine, thank you and you?" Where inside you are screaming TODAY SUCKS. TODAY I FEEL TERRIBLE. IF YOU ONLY REALLY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I WONDER IF YOU CAN SEE HOW FAKE I'M BEING RIGHT NOW. I HOPE NOT!" Now granted, many of these people you wouldn't/nor should share your problems with. But how many times was it someone you could have and didn't... And you lied. Or, where you could have just said, "I've had better days" and left it up to them to open the door if they are truly interested. Instead you get the robotic answer of "fine and how are you" How often do you lie to protect yourself. To not open certain doors.
Why are so many people fake? Why are so many so scared? Why do so many ignore their own feelings and needs? So many people hide the real them, or sadly enough don't even know who the real them is.

I try and not be like this. Lately I've become this also. And, I have to say I don't like it at all. I hate the feeling. I get very uncomfortable stuffing my feelings. I don't like not telling people what I think. I hate worrying about their reaction. Take me as I am or don't take me... Feels so much better to me. The hiding makes me feel half dead and barely living.

I can see how easy it can be to become like this. You get hurt. You hide and you stay hidden to the point you don't even know yourself anymore, least expect someone else to really know you. And dare attempt a rewarding relationship like this? And you end up living the rest of your life like this.

I refuse to do this. I'm fighting for me again. Because only when I'm really me do I feel like I'm not fighting. I'm free and confident.

But, there are setbacks. I'm still quite vulnerable to go back in my shell. Someone questions me and it's still easy to retreat.

I've become envious of people who are so logical. Their lives seem quite simple. Simple decisions. All the right reasons for things to be the way they are in their lives. But, I have to wonder are they really happy. They seem to ignore their feelings or what makes them really happy to keep their lives simple.

I can't handle that. I need to feel alive. I need to feel like I'm living. And I only feel that way when I'm free to be who I am and being able to say what I need. THEN I'm truly fucking happy. And, for that point I must swear. At least I feel I must swear because when I can yell "I'm so happy" then I don't need the swearing to emphasize it.

But, back to my beginning point. Whatever that was.

I have seen this countless times. Someone doesn't believe in themselves and you take that person and tell them what they are doing is amazing. When you honestly see it. And, at first they brush you off. But you keep going back and telling them not just that what they are doing is amazing but why and how and the details because then they know your words aren't just empty compliments. And they start showing you more stuff. And they suddenly can't wait for you to be around so they can show you more. They know you believe in them. And, what they are doing. Your belief in them becomes their reality. Their dream unfolds in front of them. It's awesome to see. My son will come to me and show me a song he's done and of course the first question is always the same, "What do you think" He needs to know if I see it the same way he does. Or, if I see something better or worse than he does" He needs to know how it's received. Just as we all need that clarification when we are exposing ourselves. I will never lie to him, I will never falsely tell him something is good when I think otherwise. This could get tricky if he truly comes to me with something that straight up stinks. But, it doesn't get tricky because there is nothing that he can bring me that doesn't have some good in it. I will find that good. I will point it out. And I will tell him why that one part is amazing. I will focus on that part. I pay attention, I see through the "other stuff" and I find the good. This encourages him. And he believes in himself just a little more. Every song brings a little more confidence this way.

So when someone seems to notice the variety of good in me and overlook or understand the character flaws I'm going to feel wonderful around this person. Now if it's the other way around I will feel like the biggest piece of garbage whenever I'm around this person.

Does this all tie together. Life ties together. And what I'm talking about is life and our interactions with each other.

I'm frustrated today, and many past days on why I don't open up like I used to. And, why is it is hard for others to open up. There is so much judgment out there. And not enough acceptance and encouragement. I can't stress this enough ENCOURANGMENT.

I realize I need to find this sort of person for my intimate life. And, that is where I hit a brick wall. I've found the friends that understand me, love me and accept me for whatever I bring to the table and whatever time I happen to bring it. So on a deeper level I crave this sort of relationship. But, even in my everyday life I watch how people interact and it just makes me wonder if they know how closed off they are, and if they know who they are, and if they know what they really want in life and have the guts to go find it.


What's my point. I don't know. I'm too tired to care at this point. Be character builders for everyone you encounter. And most of all be that for yourself.

That is what is on my cranky mind tonight.

"The Sounds Of Silence" Simon And Garfunkel
Posted by FieldsOfJoy :: 4:33 PM :: 2 comments

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